Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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