Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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