your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
