Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
