Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
