My underwear smells like fireworks.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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