i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
