So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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