I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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