Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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