Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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