I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
