A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
