A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
