there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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