thus making me awesome and them whores
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My feet surprised me
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
