you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
babies were throwing up all over the place
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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