it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
