We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
