Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Success! We fucked roommates!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
