Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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