So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
