I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
