It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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