my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
