watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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