honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
