I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
