official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize