i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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