i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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