cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
