You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
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