Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
