when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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