Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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