foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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