His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
