Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
