So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize