TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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