True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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