Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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