So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
