What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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