I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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