I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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