I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
