Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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