no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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