After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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