It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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