So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
