You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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