this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
