Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
