I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
