who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
