omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Randomize
