I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Randomize
